Mornings come down

To Truth and Fate

noreply@blogger.com (amal) — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 20:52:00 +0000

It occured to me that you do not always always get what you want, you can get a lot of things and try as hard as you can, but some things you simply cannot change. You accept. You cannot change the past, you cannot change other people. You accept events as they occured and people as they are. You learn. You can however, create a better future.

You can always imagine a happy ending, you cannot creat a better present without envisiong the happy ending. What is more though, is that maybe it is time to let go and give yourself that happy endings may not be what you had in mind, what u so dearly wished for. As we move forward, we realize that the truth is all so different from what we thought and even what we say now, may not be it.

Amal...do not carry the world's weight on your shoulders, mistakes are mistakes but they are not the end. Forgiveness is key, but forgive urself first and foremost and you will know that good thins come around. They do not come to an end. You are too young to resort to desperation, hang in there and smile. Believe but don't live in denial. Hope, but hope for what you really really want in your hearts of heart..it is not about what people want, it is about what you really want.

I want love, i found it in him and now it is not there,,,i wonder if it comes again. And if it does, does it come as true and beautiful? Do we get second chances? Would it be stronger next time? I wondered..wondered way too long.

But most of all, i am making a vow to be honest to myself this time and not myself in that manner ever again. I am fighter, i got weak. I got here...i will stay close.

The sky was blue today, for a change, it is getting darker now and as it does, my mood goes with it. Frightened by the night, i wished i could sleep it thought to the day i antipate everyday and know i would rather forever avoid. It is a minor thing ti face, we've been through worse and we are strong.

People went through real miseries, i should be abel to handle this. I am. I am just accepting and more than that realizing that I need more than that. Real appreciation of myself and that will not come without an inward look at myself..at who i truely am and bring it out.

in the end, you cannot lie to fate. It knows more than you do.

Russian Dolls

noreply@blogger.com (amal) — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 23:51:00 +0000

By the name of the title, you can guess what i have to talk about...Refelctions on the movie: Russian Dolls

I absolutly loved it. It got me thinking about this craze people continuously obsses about and run around in circles after..LOVE! if we have it or not, we're running after it, trying to keep it, pushing it away, confusing ourselves with it, confusing other feelings for love and ooooh...it is an endless maze and with my 'limited' experience..i should not be one to neither open the topics nor add to the endless contemplations...

But that is exactly the thing, love and heartbreaks are unavoidable maybe so enjoy them while they last and in the letting go..think of the russian dolls, u have to keep opening them one by one till u get to 'the one', so take ur time opening them up, take even more time playing with them and urself..

As long as our head is a mess, so will the love and we will hurt others just as other people's confusion will inflict pain on us..oui, ce'st la vie. But, my question is, why is there constant fear (especially in people in their late late twenties or in Egypt in my case) of ending up alone? That you will hit 30 all alone and think ur life with all it's acheivements will be a pathetic waste just because it went by without this significant love to notice it's significance. I do not believe it. I do not believe that with the constant flow of possibilities that our world is capable of generating everyday, that life can be a pathetic waste...we will meet so many on the way and get our hearts broken over and over again. The thing i am trying to say is i guess is, that we should give ourself the chance. The chance to love ourself...we are not perfect and neither are others, it's what imperfections we can live with that matters..

So, no conclusions reached is alright, just remember to be true to yourself , to still have the strenght and capacity to be the best of yourself with a 'heightened sensitivity to the promises of life' and a remarkebale 'gift for hope'...because, your life will not count as mistakes, whatever mistakes i make, are from where i will learn to find my russian doll..break one to reach the next one, the precious one even if it is not perfect ;)

Perhaps even more importantly: on values, pick your own..not the global, not societies, not your freinds either :P

I love you :)

(strangely said in a blog!)

Shortcomings...

noreply@blogger.com (amal) — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 21:03:00 +0000

They say that when u are alone abroad..u set ur mind free in it's own space and leave it think openly and it will set it's own limits if it does. Mine set them too short..am i that short-seighted and self-centered? what about all this talk of care for the world? i think it is just care for me in the world..how selfish, how sad, what a waste of life and thought.

Take a piece of my mind, allow it to test the limits, break them or jump over them to a new realm of thinking where whatever possibilities there are, u can create but by planning too much for them, u can also miss. Building tha capacity of the mind, intellectual capital, thought provoking experiments, analysis, time, ability, belief, challenge, stream, opinion, passion...prisons to take me up.

Is it true?

Pure Ramblings

noreply@blogger.com (amal) — Mon, 21 Jan 2008 14:38:00 +0000

It's raining outside..no surprise there seeing it is London. Cloudy grey skies..I'm becoming accoustomed to it. My problem with you thu is i don't know who reads you so often i do not know what to tell u. But seeing that this is a documentation of me, i will freely write whatever i feel needs to be said. For the bigger part, it will be what i need to say for me to hear and acknowledge. Yes, after more than two years of blogging, i think this is what it became.

I am happy this is more or less detached from facebook to create a seperate space for expression-an "audience-less" space for me to throw my thoughts around, and jump in between them. For this is exactly what i need right.

i have a serious problem. I cannot write! And i have too many papers to think about that i need to write well but..i cannot write. Either i do not know how to express myself, or i have nothing to express. I do not know which is worse. Not having a message or not knowing how to get it across?

in all cases, i decided, i will write more here and to myself in general to practice letting out what i'm thinking because i believe that this is really necessary for me at the moment because i need to identify the problem, break it down and figure out how can i work around it. This is me working around another problem.

What am i going to write about? Now, i am not so sure. Should i talk to you about how i'm feeling these days? i think not cause u get too much of that already. The US elections? i could just refer you to the ft or the ecnomist for that matter yeah? About the book i'm reading-hmm, i could tell you something about that: it's Easterly's "A white man's burden" on the ineffectiveness of foreign aid. it is quite insightful on how countries have the ability to raise themselves out of poverty and aid can be disruptive to that ability..quite intriguing i must say. But tonight, i will read Jane Austin "Emma"...in a lame search for inspiration. I have another critical problem..i never finish books, getting stuck in the middle just gives me a reason to move onto the next one!

Okay, seeing that i need to go back to studying. If there is an issue i see worth contemplating with you, it is : rising food prices vs. excessive consumerism. How did the capital economy fall into such excessively consuming life-style patterns?! And now with exceptionally high growth rates, commodity prices are not going down anytime soon which is bad news for the masses who are protesting everywhere in the world and the silent many who are too hungry to stand up and speak. I am one of them heavily consuming, and i am among those to blame for being irresposible. At this stage, i do not know where convergence can be remotly visible from where we are.

you know..pure ramblings do make me smile

Finally..here come the resolution

noreply@blogger.com (amal) — Thu, 10 Jan 2008 08:19:00 +0000

Though in 2007, i can say that i have been an acheiver accomplishing much of what i was set out to do which more or less became a way of life to me, i was skeptical about publishing a new resolution this year. It is not like the calender year is a always a useful time-frame for measuring accomplishments and setting goals but for me, it quite puts things into perspective sometimes, and brings me back to where i am heading and where i want to be going and in what form i want to go.

If there is anything to notice from the change in tone since the last post last january, it would be the loss of optimism. Can that be true, me in my prime year is no longer optimistic? Why and how can that be?

Last year, things were begining...now i'm in the middle. I do not quite see the end, or the step after the end. I know it doesn't just end there, every step is a new begining. But i have been burdened by the insecurity brought to me with uncertainty. One day, i looked at uncertainty like it was my promises of possibilities. Now, i look for anything that confronts my fears that i will not be lost cluless in this global world. That i will not be stepped on and washed away by the stronger waves.

But you know? I am determined to look out for optimism and hope. I have every reason to do so. Young and educated, opportunities are what i can create. Life is what i love. Knowledge is what i aspire. And love is what i fall into.

I want to know more, i want to travel everywhere, i want to talk to people from everywhere. I want to be happy and enjoy every moment. I want to work with passion. I want to help. I want to be there for the people i love. I want to not fear regret, i want to let go and do my best to let it be.

My Resolution!!!

1-Graduate with a distinction (or like a merit at least)

2-Produce a quality dissertation

3-Travel to at least 5 new countries this year

4-Read at least a book a week and lots and lots of papers (uni takes care of that!)

5-Eat healthy, drink 1.5 litres of water, 5 servings of fruit, salad and lose more weight. Work out times a week at least

6-Learn a new language

7-Play an instrument, learn new dances...Dance your heart out

8-Be financially accountable

9-Work with dedication in every job i'm in, apply for jobs and internships every week

10-Be there for your mother, sister and hesham.

This is not a promise to self, this is a dialogue of intention...a step to look out and see..see what might just happen? Maybe everything will turn around, we'll have to wait and see. And while waiting, all life will be happening!

Inspire and be inspired. Give. Give off more than you take. Care for nature, our biggest giver.

The cruelest irony

noreply@blogger.com (amal) — Sat, 05 Jan 2008 12:07:00 +0000

Goodbye...whatever was ever good about it anyway?

How come..

noreply@blogger.com (amal) — Wed, 28 Nov 2007 19:12:00 +0000

I thought that world is mine but it's not. I don't think i can handle it if it were. I don't even know from where or how to look at it, it looks good to me..but is it. Hmmm not really. But why? Shouldn't be? Should is very relative you see...and even if it should, who said it would be. Then why isn't it? Why isn't it??? Can you change that, can i change that, can we...? Or is it beyond us all? Did it go on it's own course of time?

i don't know..but i will look it up for you

noreply@blogger.com (amal) — Mon, 19 Nov 2007 23:38:00 +0000

U know what? living is just too damn hard. It requires so much effort. EVERYDAY!!! naaaah..it's too much really..

A statement of regret!

noreply@blogger.com (amal) — Sun, 18 Nov 2007 22:57:00 +0000

That's the name pf the play i went to see last friday, but u knowing me, u know i will throw something else at you..it all has to do with me. Monitoring me.

What have i learned about myself lately? that I over regret if that was ever a case. I am incapable of making decisions in fear of regret. I calculate and think of all the options then end up making a hasty descision that i come to later regret. Although every descision opens the door to a new opportunity. That is in fact true. So why do i regret so much. Because i have fallen in the deep trap where i no longer know what i want. So i wait for ppl to decide and i hate ppl and their descisions, so i do what? wait for signs sent from above? go with instinct? What ever these are, i do not believe in the valididty of any othem, and so i end up doing what i fear the most. Regretting. And so, i have to look and search hard for what i want.

What do i want?

Freedom, independance, development,travelling

I want to read and learn a lot, i want to work and practice what i learn and learn from different and random experiences, i want to travel around, i want to help my country and the deloping world. Did i want love? i can safely say i do not have a clear answer to that? i don't want to say don't we all? i don't know though it seems like a very basic and true answer. But regardless of how little value i put on human relations which only act to bother me n the end. I must make time to go out of my way for my family i guess. To be close to the people i love.

Do i still sound confused, i pretty much am. I just want to clear my head when i'm walking and thnk of all these questions but for the moment and leave the future for the future. Religon? Identitiy? Love and all that..yes, these were my questions and i will take my time raising them and playing with them. Loving them, loving me.

i met many people, i saw them in different light, i needed to put more thought into them. i needed to talk to you.

And lastly, i want to add something about sustainability. I took the ecological footprint survey and we will need 2.1 plants if everyone lived like i did. We only have one though and questions of sustainability and an uncertain future are raised everywhere. I raise them now. I also raise questions on convergence in the 'global' economy. One thing is true, this race is not sustainable the way it is, but we can make it with huge effort, we can. Technology and R&D. The world's biggest hope. But hopeful can we be?

I leave you now to look for some answers and end up thinking up new questions..i leave u to go look for some happiness :)

Break it

noreply@blogger.com (amal) — Wed, 14 Nov 2007 18:58:00 +0000

I want to smash my head!!! Smash it so hard that every paradigm, every illusion, every thought would be broken down into little pieces as if they were all made out of glass in the first place. I would then pick out the pieces i'd like to keep (hopefully not many) and start building a new head day by day, slowly but efffecitntly.

A head that actually lives in the real world..a head that concentrates. A head that is thoughtful and think of solutions...hmm that would be quite the head. It would do all sorts of maths in seconds, it would read really really fast and not forget a thing. It would have opinions and build arguments...Man!!! that would be one head i would just die for!!!

How hard is it for me to get that? u would think i'm not asking for much, i'm not, but would someone just please smash my head??? Please, just smash it real hard!

noreply@blogger.com (amal) — Mon, 29 Oct 2007 18:44:00 +0000

Remembering the tin man..

On somedays, i cannot sleep. But i would be half awake all day. Those who know me know how i day dream almost all the time, my involvement in conversation is usually limited because for the bigger part, i would be tendering some past illusion, setting up a different scene where i would be saying different words, words i have rehearsed many times. I was half dead most of the time. It left little of me to encounter the rest of this surrounding, i had my surrounding idea thu it was not much.

I acknowledged the need to let go of my pain. I endured pain no matter how significant or insignificant it may be. I realise now that the more i lock it up far away, the more it draws me away from reality becoming my barrier from the realiness i live without facing.

Now each morning, i remember bits of me that were dropped, the void that was created and i tender them. I will go slowly, breathing it out on my own, at my own pace.

I realize now that i never had any real connections with people. And i truely do mean never thu some of short vs long time spans came close enuf..i think i will lead the rest of the way alone, i know i might be missing out on the real reasons of life but i can't bring myself to speak to another again. I don't see it happening.

I see you walking with a smile sometimes, and it makes me smile. We smile together from different spaces where each was born to live. And the widening space will push another to dissapearance. I wonder who goes first?

noreply@blogger.com (amal) — Wed, 10 Oct 2007 20:55:00 +0000

Where have you been?

With my thoughts...everywhere!!!

I'm loving london :)

But here are the highlights of the past couple of weeks: I atteneded lectures by prominent figures and on a number of contreverisal issues, from alan greenspan to the president of Rowanda to environmental skeptics cooling down the ddebate on climate change. It was moving, it was rigorous..and i was there to hear it!

I had the craziest weekend in Cardiff!!! it was wild and crazy and i simply loved the town..the people so liberating, carefree and simple. There was a rugby match and everyone was just out there screaming, dancing, singing and drinking. It was awesome.

I walked in a march to the parliment asking to withdraw british troops from Iraq and felt the power of the people's movement. I heard them say: This is what democracy is. It felt like something i was deprived off. to walk where your voice could be heard. And now check this out, Brown is actually going to go against the states and is partially removing troops in March. So maybe, a voice was heard after all. Governments there by the people need to act to act for the people, the people need to speak.

What inspired me the most? the people i've been meeting, i made freinds from far away and thu we didn't spend much time together, they each had their lesson to teach: Hannah, Sina, Valentina, Maria...so beautiful, they freed me from my many fears. I was free to look outwards again, unprotected.

I've been trying to figure out my courses, meeting with potential employers, trying to figure out my career path! it's quite crazy! I did yoga, joined societies and my heart was as overwhelemd as my mind boggled with thoughts and ideas. I was creating a space and it was filling up quickly. I am happy :)

Leave me

noreply@blogger.com (amal) — Fri, 28 Sep 2007 21:26:00 +0000

Thrown in the distance, i started to create my own distances. i distanced myself away from the people i thought i was closest to. i thought they were the jewels i found along my long path of days. i stood infront of them, smiled but with no interest in them...only mere politeness, their lives were no concern of me and it was sad. Sad that my heart becane cold and protected..it was not leaving itself out there again like it belonged to someone else now to take care of it..i didn't do a good job at that before..i broke it many times and now i left it with someone else while i ventured with the rest of my days. I wanted it back, i asked to have it back many times but it was a lost case for i was improsined by my happiness. The thought saddened me today.

There was always pressure to make every moment THE moment and now i'mdiscovering how letting go and relaxing things maybe the way to truely enjoy the simple and meaningful things...for learning was reflective. Give urself the time, the time to breath and think it over...

London was fresh indeed...the bustling city was cold and raining and when it rained, it washed everything away, producing a new city with puddles of the residuals. I walked and watched myself in the reflections...more was to be reflected..in due time, it must :)

When a country becomes your lover

noreply@blogger.com (amal) — Wed, 26 Sep 2007 17:00:00 +0000

written from an air port in Romania:

In the pursuit of happiness

When a country becomes your lover, your mother

I left Egypt..feeling all ready to get up and leave, it’s what I always wanted and what I forever seeked and finally the time has come. But as the time drew closer to the final minutes, I felt every bit of me resisting the leave. It’s true that I forever longed and aspired to study abroad especially in London, especially at LSE and strangely enough it was my wish to indulge myself in environment and development issues…it was all coming true, like a dream.

But a cloud of sadness I never anticipated shadowed over my heart, for how do u leave the ones you love behind? What promises do you have for them? You know you will change, because you want to , you want to move forward or rather freely fly above, discovering new skies, walking on new grounds, meeting fresh faces, and breathing different air bearing a different meaning. Would they recognize your changes, and what was love in all this? Does it face the challenge? Does it transform into something different?

On going to London, my aim is to discover myself on the journey of pursuing happiness. I want to study hard and learn new things every day from everything I do, I want to attend seminars and conferences and events all year long to broaden my interests. I want to read a lot and read deeply in a wide range of subjects to gain a deeper understanding and broaden my horizon of opportunities. I want to create possibilities. I want to meet new people with diverse backgrounds, find a friend in each, see myself in others and form close and long lasting relationships. I want to join different groups and organizations to develop my leadership skills, project management and initiation, sit and talk to people with similar interests..etc. I want to do sports and adopt a healthy lifestyle from nutrition to habits to relationships and thoughts..think positive, think healthy. I wanted music, art and theater to dance around my life, I wanted to engage in new activities I never tried before or tried and loved but forgot so why not try them again. I wanted independence, to be fully responsible for myself. I wanted to create my own private space and personalize it. I wanted me and wanted her happy and true in every word, in every action. I know I am no where near there yet..but if I know what road I wanna dig, then I better start digging, it may be hard but u’ll enjoy it..enjoy the laughs, the late night talks with random people, the dancing , the fun…and enjoy the struggle. Above all, I wanted to discover my passion, my drive. It might not happen this year or in these countries, but I have an idea and the idea will grow and change with me till we are found. I want to find my voice.

This was to be my chance for a life changing experience and I am determined to make the most of it. The journey of personal development is gaining over heated momentum and although I may be in tears now thinking of those I will miss, I will meet the challenge with a smile. I know that this is what they want for me, I know that this is what I want for me J

And when I come back, I come back for you for I have loved you. I loved my country and though I have resented it at times, I know that deep down, I loved it’s people even if at times their ignorance drove me away. I wanted to see them in a better state, I will strive in due time for this goal. We owe it to ourselves. Right now, my country seemed to me the lands I loved and the faces I did not want to go without. The face of my lover.

A memory

noreply@blogger.com (amal) — Wed, 12 Sep 2007 19:35:00 +0000

I stepped out today...

I left the office to go tpo the dentist (again!), after he was done (and u can only imagine the pain he put me through), i decided i have one of two options: 1) i can either go back to the office OR 2) take that unknown roadf and take up some of that sun and pollution i'll be missing :)
U know which way i took

I rode on the metro, stepped out at one of the stations i never went off at but for a reason and a purpose. I wanted to buy a recycled poster made by an NGO that aims to develop the community through empowering people with disabilities...so they make some pretty creative stuff out of recycled paper. I wanted to buy it to make a memory for someone special, i wonder now though...must memories be documented to be rememberd...i do not belive so, special moments have way of sitting in our hearts for ever and ever, to be recalled in later years in the company of those special freinds. i longed for that, i was scared i'll be missing out on just that.

But i had the most peaceful day still, jkust what i needed...i walk through coptic cairo...it's so beautifully peaceful. It felt like i was walking in simple whitness in the middle of cairo..the simplicity of the people and the richness of the history combined left me in owe. I went into the hanging church, lit a candle and prayed for the many things i wished deep in my heart. I was happy i stepped out..to a different route.

I'm now sitting in my favourite place...yacht club..reminiscing on some memories. I will miss many things, i have loved many things and now, i'm excited about tomorrow.

I will find you here always, thinking in your favourite spot about how we became what we became with more pictures, more posts and i promise you...we will work on it together.

But, find peace in you before you leave.

Ramdan starts tomorrow..i'm excited and sad, sad that i will not be in cairo at my favourite time of the year with all the ppl i wanna be with, fasting, praying, going out at night, the reunions and the sohors and the whole deal. I love ramadan, love it in cairo :(

I will write more in a while...there is something i really need to tell you ;)

For september..the real question is

noreply@blogger.com (amal) — Tue, 04 Sep 2007 16:18:00 +0000

So how are we doing on them goals?

Well, you would think that since I haven’t blogged ever since I’d promised to blog more that I must be far far behind on them…but NO! You’re wrong.

I am now blogging from the dentist’s waiting room which suggests that I’ve been so busy with all the rest of the goals that I only found the time and space in the clarity and serenity of the clinic. It is a sad excuse but still, there is no better distraction from the pain I’m about to endure than the humble yet stimulating act of blogging.

And the question remains: How are we doing on them goals?

1-I passed CFA level one
2-I’m traveling to London in less than 3 weeks to do my masters on the Environment and Development at the London School of Economics
3-I published a report at EFG-should’ve done more really but it’s good considering the circumstances
4-I joined Nahdet El Mahrousa but I honestly should’ve been more active and contributed a lot more than that.
5-I think I read less books and reports than the initial target….i seem to always get bored of the book half way thru and start a new one so I never finish anything…I really need to stop that and go from cover to cover, maybe they’d surprise me in the end. Avoiding predictibilty and seeking new discoveries and spontaneous acts does not mean trying out a new thing every time maybe it means be patient and see how things will actually turn out and maybe u’ll learn a lot more.
6-I haven’t blogged since new years which is pretty disappointing but to be honest I tried several times and had technical problems with publishing every time and knowing my lazy self…I had to put it away
7-I showed improvements with my family and some friends though there were ups and downs at many times
8-I changed my eating habits significantly and was more or less regularly excercising at leila’s Gym and owing to that, I managed to lose around 7-8 kilograms!
9-And on saving, I barely saved enuf to get me going in London, I happen to be a real spender but in my defence some was spent on CFA and applying-there has to be a trade off ya3ni! You can’t have your cake and eat it too.
10-My most enjoyable achievement is that me and Hesham are still together and I had the best time in my life with him. I can truly say that I love him more and more everyday and to a great extent, I wonder if I could’ve accomplished all of the above without his continued support. Love is at the end of the day my winner.

And now that September is here, the great thing is that we still have more time and there are still more testing challenges ahead. There’s still more time for me to fill in my shortcomings, to go higher with the little I have accomplished and with every step you realize there is still more and more out there to reach for…because “we are so young now!” . And so what if you never eat or sleep and make all your mistakes,,,your young and free and “when tomorrow comes, we can do it all again” J

My greatest discovery for this time: Love and Freedom. Forces that can move worlds and worlds…they move me from today to tomorrow.

Lastly, I was wrong..the question is not how are we doing on them goals..i do not yet know what the question really is, like always I’ve asked so much and forgot what it was I was asking for. I’ll look again, I’ll talk to new people, walk in new streets with my endless question “how do you get to…” and then one person will tell me how do I get to where I wanna be going..only I never really knew I wanted to go there but I’m sure it’ll be worth a try :)

A tongue attempting to formulate a few words

noreply@blogger.com (amal) — Thu, 19 Jul 2007 11:51:00 +0000

I smoked three cigarettes tonight and felt like throwing up...My stomach was empty and had nothing to throw. I hated all sorts of smokers, they burned us all away.And to that i hated so much of what I did but I’ve become too ill fed, too empty to throw it away. I hated that I promised to blog and threw it away..like i threw so much of me.

The conversation i had with me, were not for me. And what has become of me, u do not wonder and i do not ask, i only looked miserably at an empty mess. Yes, i repeat empty. I repeat empty.Maybe a week ago, i had a dream flying, i had me running after it. Now i pretend to see its remainders, i do not see, i do not look really. I surrendered to what u call a good time. I surrendered to what u call the natural developments of life...graduate, work, fall in love, marry maybe, vaporize and u become a product of that.

Throw away ur questionings, it's not like u really wanted to go search for all the answers..ur too lazy! And someone is finally here to show u, thinking they can just answer them for you: tell u God exists, Islam is truth, pray, be socially obedient and surrender to all known norms called for in ur culture, let it be but above all remember that in the end, a woman's place is her dear dear home where she is blessed with the beauty of raising children..lots of them

Did u ever hear me say these things? I will never. I am not. I didn't want to listen but i wanted to be.But what i really want to be...is something other than what i am today, what i saw the girl writing now doing today is not one i want to live another day for. The me i want is one who is true.

Someone challenged and happy to take up the challenge. To travel and leave every ounce of it behind.I missed a friend who traveled away. I love a friend who held me tonight. And these were my only sole true feelings. Sympathy i also put into question.Insecure jealousy became my only soul food and i hated that i was such. Do i really care..i don't want to and thus i will not.

How did i refuse to drink when ppl suffered day by day for a sip. Did i ever see them? No. I only read abt it to pretend i know. I don't know them honestly..but i've become angry at everything that kept me away from them. I am angry at changing. I am angry at every friend i wish i was lying next to right now but who is so distant it made me feel helplessly alone. I am angry for being unloved. Unloved by me. And if you love me, you shouldn't..the person that i am is of temporary existence. I do not know when she was born maybe a few weeks, a few months ago .well it's about time she went away..walked out of my body, whatever is left of it i will put together again. Maybe i'll come out a new thing, but i wont be this again. This is not for me.

The strangest thing was : that right now from where i am sitting, i can barely make out a view of what i want to be. The economist? the environmetalist? fin analyst? Lover? Woman? Muslim? Preacher? Traveller? Noooo, no and no...i do not know any of these labels. None of them picture meI want to be free...Free to go out and find you if ur out there still.These ppl, i do not belong with them. I did not want to. I do not want to..

I bet if i read this post again, i will not understand a single word and it's true that this is what it became,,,it became a mess in need of action to clean up. A confusion that i stood behind, waiting for someone to lift up it's curtains so i appear. But what if it wont. Well, i'm lifting it now but what is my next step..to leave him? i am too scared to do it again. But i knew that in all cases..i will do it again. I will be something different, i will be something true.And while this post may suggest that i am a lie, that is not true..i am just lost..temporarily i know. But i did not lie.

"If you do not know urself, how do u expect others to know you"

noreply@blogger.com (amal) — Sat, 24 Mar 2007 11:32:00 +0000

No i have not kept my promises...

Is that the worst way to start an entry...still hopeful but disappointed

CFA going badly, blogging is as you can see and yeah, a lot of other things are not coming through..what a depressing checkpoint huh??! It bothers me at times, at many others i feel happy trying though..but i's not enough.

Documenting development...my new promise, to document incremental moments of my development and understanding of my surroundings. So much goes unnoticed and even more forgotten..it's about time i stopped realizing the way my memory retrieves, much will be left and misunderstood till one day i remember how, when and where it happened. Then i will forgive happenings.

I turned 21 yesterday. I spent it with someone. Is this to document? It's new. It's odd. It's happiness. But, often it seems like a loss too, the reason the above is going badly maybe?? I don't know..It's my stance to shape and define. Put all your heart out there..risk it with might. Throw all your dreams out there..fight for them and chase them to realizations..watch them change, watch you change..remember me with it all. Be true and there for me, I'm the one who takes u in for healing when all nights end for another beginning. Disappointing celebrations, considering the stars..consider me again. There must be more to it, i have to find more of it.

Ambition vs Trust. Love vs Possession. Jealousy vs Confidence. Want vs Need.

And i once loved white roses...i still do i know.

Going to the referendum on Monday. I have something to say. While i can still say it.

I wrote this a while back to post..took me sometime to post :S :

"Thrown away, I feared being thrown out of the way

In a country..there was a country were people longed to freely speak and demand a right. A right to live without fear. Are we all living for that? For the love of another, for the love of a country..there was a need to stand for the right.

Is loving your country something you are born with? I don’t know. Is it a duty to love your country? Does it mean you love its people or its land or its air.. what resemblance did it hold for me? I love it; I always want to see it better. But sometimes I didn’t love it as much. I claim to aspire living as a responsible global citizen for the development of our world. I wondered how true I was. I believed we are all entitled to search for our belonging, for the right to live wherever we want..borders always come into play and I wondered how sometimes a place finds you, captures you before you begin to search. I have not been captured yet, I wondered still.

And can a religion rule you? Where was the freedom to embrace difference? Must it be defined for all? I wanted to live otherwise.

I heard of women who struggled and fought in many lands to challenge boundaries, to create space for generations to come. I saw silenced eyes watching women and their children unquestioned to a doomed destiny while we look the other way. I watched some of Tahani Rachid’s documentaries and was left stunned. But will I remain just stunned. There were women who lived lives rich in battles against upheld institutions believing in the goodness of the people and their right to a better sphere. I watched women in Palestine fighting for their freedom from oppression, for lives free of hatred for the generations to come. And I watched women left on a street, stolen from their dignity, fighting their daily fight for survival. I only watched and fought my own fight.

I lived seeing my mom saddled by burden on burden, getting closely intact and entangled in her fights for me and my sister to live a struggle free life, to have a better life than her. Yes, maybe we do fight for the next generations to have it better than we do cause we know it should not be like this if we can envision a better alternative. Do we know they will appreciate it? Sometimes I think the world is in conflict with the way we consume and abuse the environment and then we get a wake up call for sustainable development when we know future generations will pay the cost of our greed for growth, our chosen blindness to climate change and then we say it’s time to fix it all..is everyone in on fixing ? Who sacrifices for whom then? I wondered.

I have so much to say sometimes, I don’t know how and to who…yes, I am confused choosing love, freedom, honesty and dignity as my guidance."

On another day..i woke up 21

noreply@blogger.com (amal) — Sat, 24 Mar 2007 10:57:00 +0000

noreply@blogger.com (amal) — Thu, 15 Mar 2007 18:42:00 +0000

It's fast and as always the question remains, where have i been, where am i going? And rather, what swallowed me whole..slowly spitting away parts of me, is it taking pleasure in my digestion? Or am i just another mechanical process.

Like i've been given a backbone that doesn't quite fit ..u ..and you have to be self driven or u'll be driven where u don't know..where to, where to, what to

And the trueness of emotions, are they true if questioned?

noreply@blogger.com (amal) — Sat, 06 Jan 2007 12:24:00 +0000

With a new year, some of us try to stop in review, stop in optimism, that this year will define the past days , will be a turning point, will be what's sought after. And then comes a pen, a paper and the act of a resolution. I'm one of them.

I belived that this year will be good because we will make it good, we had to make it better..there so much change lying around, that where ever u turn there must be a few steps forward. I'll walk, i'll run..i'll spin and crash and it will another good year, maybe even a great one.

With great plans comes a greater commitment, a scary thought i know :( But alas, i will commit to this:

1-level one CFA
2-Applying for Masters
3-Saving plan (i still need to figure that out :S)
4-Do more for the community, charity, development
5-Adopt a healthier life-style, lose weight
6-Read at least 24 books this year
7-Read at least 3 reports per week, work harder with greater dedication to publish by the end of the year
8-Be good with family and freinds who come as a priority
9-Blog more
10-In the end, love wins, love always wins :)

Not a bad list huh?

So far the start of the year cannot be prettier or happier :) Great aspirations, great people and yes..we will continue to ride above it all, to smile for it all, dance to it all and sleep well after it all.

Seeking new discoveries with a learning heart and mind will continue to keep us young, the struggle to be freed from fear will allow us to love, giving will keep you alive. Being true to self will remind you of purpose.

It's a very cold day, very fresh, the sun is considering wether to shine or not. Shine, shine for me :)

Now that everything is left unsaid

noreply@blogger.com (amal) — Tue, 28 Nov 2006 18:43:00 +0000

I was sorry i was so mean..my world surfaced beneath her voice and in less words, my existance crumbeled for an undefended purpose. It scared me that years could be lived numbered by anothers' days..it made me indebt, i knew i wont repay. I stole my days away. It scared me that yes, it happens and yes it's true that lives get wasted, that others pay the cost, that we can be passed unnoticed unnless we commit to a notice. I was not commiting. I was only sorry they had to breath such air; maybe they were happy...

I did see heaven but i wished her Judgement and Heaven, i wished me peace, continuation, and an understanding of purpose.

You glanced as if you knew. How smart, how impressive it must be for shephards to challenge those who refused to follow, proving with no proof but with logical sentiment, that all laws dictate that only they knew and walked on the right road..that mine was misleading to lead. Dare me if you will, i am too tired to explain, i am too tired to argue as to why. i didn't know really. I just asked too much and forgot to look for an answer. I stuttered in reply.

And to you, written for you: In all goodness, this will be good. With little pressure, this will vapourize. In all fairness, and with no promise, we vowed to promise none, doubt it if you will. Miss it not. I looked away, i forgot to say, that on leaving, i will leave sooner than i was found. I did not smoke..i breathed in flavours, got lost in a cloud, realized, i belonged in a greener sphere. Thrilled by a spark, i lost you turning around, wondering as their eyes whirled the grounds, as their words slurred and blurred the room, why collapses and edges were not present in their views. I forgot to say what i would never say. Leave it for me, unless you know better.

Calling it a day. Leaving it a day. Starting another day.

Does this work?

noreply@blogger.com (amal) — Tue, 28 Nov 2006 08:31:00 +0000

Hey Amal, all fine for me :)

A Witness Against Victimization

noreply@blogger.com (amal) — Mon, 06 Nov 2006 10:53:00 +0000

In a day, in any given day, a human can be deceived into summing himself as a product of perceptions. Would society sum my woman-being into flesh with no right? Would my Government-and why do i call it my government-forsake my need for protection? Would a world leave me with no breath left like it left so many stomachs unfed? It is not a moral question at all, it's my definition of who am i as a witness against victimization.

If i agree to be a victim, if i leave seeing her a victim, if i know you and do not look at you as a victimizer..then my silent being is a silent stabber. Not a passive witness for time. A witness to be called to speak, maybe a witness that asks to speak. A witness that stands and calls for the justice not promised but earned. No, there were no victims, there were rebels and passive teams and an audience that failed both.

November

noreply@blogger.com (amal) — Thu, 02 Nov 2006 17:45:00 +0000

It rained so heavily on the 31st..the day was beautiful after. The 1st was clear, the wind blew at night and by the second...i was calm and quite. I missed him and he knew. I missed what i wanted. And now that he's there, i'm smiling alone, getting busy with what i have. November will be sweet after a rough and hot summer. I waited for it to come. Called for it and it came. Slowly.