A tongue attempting to formulate a few words
I smoked three cigarettes tonight and felt like throwing up...My stomach was empty and had nothing to throw. I hated all sorts of smokers, they burned us all away.And to that i hated so much of what I did but I’ve become too ill fed, too empty to throw it away. I hated that I promised to blog and threw it away..like i threw so much of me.
The conversation i had with me, were not for me. And what has become of me, u do not wonder and i do not ask, i only looked miserably at an empty mess. Yes, i repeat empty. I repeat empty.Maybe a week ago, i had a dream flying, i had me running after it. Now i pretend to see its remainders, i do not see, i do not look really. I surrendered to what u call a good time. I surrendered to what u call the natural developments of life...graduate, work, fall in love, marry maybe, vaporize and u become a product of that.
Throw away ur questionings, it's not like u really wanted to go search for all the answers..ur too lazy! And someone is finally here to show u, thinking they can just answer them for you: tell u God exists, Islam is truth, pray, be socially obedient and surrender to all known norms called for in ur culture, let it be but above all remember that in the end, a woman's place is her dear dear home where she is blessed with the beauty of raising children..lots of them
Did u ever hear me say these things? I will never. I am not. I didn't want to listen but i wanted to be.But what i really want to be...is something other than what i am today, what i saw the girl writing now doing today is not one i want to live another day for. The me i want is one who is true.
Someone challenged and happy to take up the challenge. To travel and leave every ounce of it behind.I missed a friend who traveled away. I love a friend who held me tonight. And these were my only sole true feelings. Sympathy i also put into question.Insecure jealousy became my only soul food and i hated that i was such. Do i really care..i don't want to and thus i will not.
How did i refuse to drink when ppl suffered day by day for a sip. Did i ever see them? No. I only read abt it to pretend i know. I don't know them honestly..but i've become angry at everything that kept me away from them. I am angry at changing. I am angry at every friend i wish i was lying next to right now but who is so distant it made me feel helplessly alone. I am angry for being unloved. Unloved by me. And if you love me, you shouldn't..the person that i am is of temporary existence. I do not know when she was born maybe a few weeks, a few months ago .well it's about time she went away..walked out of my body, whatever is left of it i will put together again. Maybe i'll come out a new thing, but i wont be this again. This is not for me.
The strangest thing was : that right now from where i am sitting, i can barely make out a view of what i want to be. The economist? the environmetalist? fin analyst? Lover? Woman? Muslim? Preacher? Traveller? Noooo, no and no...i do not know any of these labels. None of them picture meI want to be free...Free to go out and find you if ur out there still.These ppl, i do not belong with them. I did not want to. I do not want to..
I bet if i read this post again, i will not understand a single word and it's true that this is what it became,,,it became a mess in need of action to clean up. A confusion that i stood behind, waiting for someone to lift up it's curtains so i appear. But what if it wont. Well, i'm lifting it now but what is my next step..to leave him? i am too scared to do it again. But i knew that in all cases..i will do it again. I will be something different, i will be something true.And while this post may suggest that i am a lie, that is not true..i am just lost..temporarily i know. But i did not lie.
"If you do not know urself, how do u expect others to know you"
The conversation i had with me, were not for me. And what has become of me, u do not wonder and i do not ask, i only looked miserably at an empty mess. Yes, i repeat empty. I repeat empty.Maybe a week ago, i had a dream flying, i had me running after it. Now i pretend to see its remainders, i do not see, i do not look really. I surrendered to what u call a good time. I surrendered to what u call the natural developments of life...graduate, work, fall in love, marry maybe, vaporize and u become a product of that.
Throw away ur questionings, it's not like u really wanted to go search for all the answers..ur too lazy! And someone is finally here to show u, thinking they can just answer them for you: tell u God exists, Islam is truth, pray, be socially obedient and surrender to all known norms called for in ur culture, let it be but above all remember that in the end, a woman's place is her dear dear home where she is blessed with the beauty of raising children..lots of them
Did u ever hear me say these things? I will never. I am not. I didn't want to listen but i wanted to be.But what i really want to be...is something other than what i am today, what i saw the girl writing now doing today is not one i want to live another day for. The me i want is one who is true.
Someone challenged and happy to take up the challenge. To travel and leave every ounce of it behind.I missed a friend who traveled away. I love a friend who held me tonight. And these were my only sole true feelings. Sympathy i also put into question.Insecure jealousy became my only soul food and i hated that i was such. Do i really care..i don't want to and thus i will not.
How did i refuse to drink when ppl suffered day by day for a sip. Did i ever see them? No. I only read abt it to pretend i know. I don't know them honestly..but i've become angry at everything that kept me away from them. I am angry at changing. I am angry at every friend i wish i was lying next to right now but who is so distant it made me feel helplessly alone. I am angry for being unloved. Unloved by me. And if you love me, you shouldn't..the person that i am is of temporary existence. I do not know when she was born maybe a few weeks, a few months ago .well it's about time she went away..walked out of my body, whatever is left of it i will put together again. Maybe i'll come out a new thing, but i wont be this again. This is not for me.
The strangest thing was : that right now from where i am sitting, i can barely make out a view of what i want to be. The economist? the environmetalist? fin analyst? Lover? Woman? Muslim? Preacher? Traveller? Noooo, no and no...i do not know any of these labels. None of them picture meI want to be free...Free to go out and find you if ur out there still.These ppl, i do not belong with them. I did not want to. I do not want to..
I bet if i read this post again, i will not understand a single word and it's true that this is what it became,,,it became a mess in need of action to clean up. A confusion that i stood behind, waiting for someone to lift up it's curtains so i appear. But what if it wont. Well, i'm lifting it now but what is my next step..to leave him? i am too scared to do it again. But i knew that in all cases..i will do it again. I will be something different, i will be something true.And while this post may suggest that i am a lie, that is not true..i am just lost..temporarily i know. But i did not lie.
"If you do not know urself, how do u expect others to know you"
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