To Truth and Fate

It occured to me that you do not always always get what you want, you can get a lot of things and try as hard as you can, but some things you simply cannot change. You accept. You cannot change the past, you cannot change other people. You accept events as they occured and people as they are. You learn. You can however, create a better future.

You can always imagine a happy ending, you cannot creat a better present without envisiong the happy ending. What is more though, is that maybe it is time to let go and give yourself that happy endings may not be what you had in mind, what u so dearly wished for. As we move forward, we realize that the truth is all so different from what we thought and even what we say now, may not be it.

Amal...do not carry the world's weight on your shoulders, mistakes are mistakes but they are not the end. Forgiveness is key, but forgive urself first and foremost and you will know that good thins come around. They do not come to an end. You are too young to resort to desperation, hang in there and smile. Believe but don't live in denial. Hope, but hope for what you really really want in your hearts of heart..it is not about what people want, it is about what you really want.

I want love, i found it in him and now it is not there,,,i wonder if it comes again. And if it does, does it come as true and beautiful? Do we get second chances? Would it be stronger next time? I wondered..wondered way too long.

But most of all, i am making a vow to be honest to myself this time and not myself in that manner ever again. I am fighter, i got weak. I got here...i will stay close.

The sky was blue today, for a change, it is getting darker now and as it does, my mood goes with it. Frightened by the night, i wished i could sleep it thought to the day i antipate everyday and know i would rather forever avoid. It is a minor thing ti face, we've been through worse and we are strong.

People went through real miseries, i should be abel to handle this. I am. I am just accepting and more than that realizing that I need more than that. Real appreciation of myself and that will not come without an inward look at myself..at who i truely am and bring it out.

in the end, you cannot lie to fate. It knows more than you do.

Russian Dolls

By the name of the title, you can guess what i have to talk about...Refelctions on the movie: Russian Dolls

I absolutly loved it. It got me thinking about this craze people continuously obsses about and run around in circles after..LOVE! if we have it or not, we're running after it, trying to keep it, pushing it away, confusing ourselves with it, confusing other feelings for love and ooooh...it is an endless maze and with my 'limited' experience..i should not be one to neither open the topics nor add to the endless contemplations...

But that is exactly the thing, love and heartbreaks are unavoidable maybe so enjoy them while they last and in the letting go..think of the russian dolls, u have to keep opening them one by one till u get to 'the one', so take ur time opening them up, take even more time playing with them and urself..

As long as our head is a mess, so will the love and we will hurt others just as other people's confusion will inflict pain on us..oui, ce'st la vie. But, my question is, why is there constant fear (especially in people in their late late twenties or in Egypt in my case) of ending up alone? That you will hit 30 all alone and think ur life with all it's acheivements will be a pathetic waste just because it went by without this significant love to notice it's significance. I do not believe it. I do not believe that with the constant flow of possibilities that our world is capable of generating everyday, that life can be a pathetic waste...we will meet so many on the way and get our hearts broken over and over again. The thing i am trying to say is i guess is, that we should give ourself the chance. The chance to love ourself...we are not perfect and neither are others, it's what imperfections we can live with that matters..

So, no conclusions reached is alright, just remember to be true to yourself , to still have the strenght and capacity to be the best of yourself with a 'heightened sensitivity to the promises of life' and a remarkebale 'gift for hope'...because, your life will not count as mistakes, whatever mistakes i make, are from where i will learn to find my russian doll..break one to reach the next one, the precious one even if it is not perfect ;)

Perhaps even more importantly: on values, pick your own..not the global, not societies, not your freinds either :P

I love you :)


(strangely said in a blog!)

Shortcomings...

They say that when u are alone abroad..u set ur mind free in it's own space and leave it think openly and it will set it's own limits if it does. Mine set them too short..am i that short-seighted and self-centered? what about all this talk of care for the world? i think it is just care for me in the world..how selfish, how sad, what a waste of life and thought.

Take a piece of my mind, allow it to test the limits, break them or jump over them to a new realm of thinking where whatever possibilities there are, u can create but by planning too much for them, u can also miss. Building tha capacity of the mind, intellectual capital, thought provoking experiments, analysis, time, ability, belief, challenge, stream, opinion, passion...prisons to take me up.

Is it true?

Pure Ramblings

It's raining outside..no surprise there seeing it is London. Cloudy grey skies..I'm becoming accoustomed to it. My problem with you thu is i don't know who reads you so often i do not know what to tell u. But seeing that this is a documentation of me, i will freely write whatever i feel needs to be said. For the bigger part, it will be what i need to say for me to hear and acknowledge. Yes, after more than two years of blogging, i think this is what it became.

I am happy this is more or less detached from facebook to create a seperate space for expression-an "audience-less" space for me to throw my thoughts around, and jump in between them. For this is exactly what i need right.

i have a serious problem. I cannot write! And i have too many papers to think about that i need to write well but..i cannot write. Either i do not know how to express myself, or i have nothing to express. I do not know which is worse. Not having a message or not knowing how to get it across?

in all cases, i decided, i will write more here and to myself in general to practice letting out what i'm thinking because i believe that this is really necessary for me at the moment because i need to identify the problem, break it down and figure out how can i work around it. This is me working around another problem.

What am i going to write about? Now, i am not so sure. Should i talk to you about how i'm feeling these days? i think not cause u get too much of that already. The US elections? i could just refer you to the ft or the ecnomist for that matter yeah? About the book i'm reading-hmm, i could tell you something about that: it's Easterly's "A white man's burden" on the ineffectiveness of foreign aid. it is quite insightful on how countries have the ability to raise themselves out of poverty and aid can be disruptive to that ability..quite intriguing i must say. But tonight, i will read Jane Austin "Emma"...in a lame search for inspiration. I have another critical problem..i never finish books, getting stuck in the middle just gives me a reason to move onto the next one!

Okay, seeing that i need to go back to studying. If there is an issue i see worth contemplating with you, it is : rising food prices vs. excessive consumerism. How did the capital economy fall into such excessively consuming life-style patterns?! And now with exceptionally high growth rates, commodity prices are not going down anytime soon which is bad news for the masses who are protesting everywhere in the world and the silent many who are too hungry to stand up and speak. I am one of them heavily consuming, and i am among those to blame for being irresposible. At this stage, i do not know where convergence can be remotly visible from where we are.




you know..pure ramblings do make me smile

Finally..here come the resolution

Though in 2007, i can say that i have been an acheiver accomplishing much of what i was set out to do which more or less became a way of life to me, i was skeptical about publishing a new resolution this year. It is not like the calender year is a always a useful time-frame for measuring accomplishments and setting goals but for me, it quite puts things into perspective sometimes, and brings me back to where i am heading and where i want to be going and in what form i want to go.



If there is anything to notice from the change in tone since the last post last january, it would be the loss of optimism. Can that be true, me in my prime year is no longer optimistic? Why and how can that be?



Last year, things were begining...now i'm in the middle. I do not quite see the end, or the step after the end. I know it doesn't just end there, every step is a new begining. But i have been burdened by the insecurity brought to me with uncertainty. One day, i looked at uncertainty like it was my promises of possibilities. Now, i look for anything that confronts my fears that i will not be lost cluless in this global world. That i will not be stepped on and washed away by the stronger waves.



But you know? I am determined to look out for optimism and hope. I have every reason to do so. Young and educated, opportunities are what i can create. Life is what i love. Knowledge is what i aspire. And love is what i fall into.





I want to know more, i want to travel everywhere, i want to talk to people from everywhere. I want to be happy and enjoy every moment. I want to work with passion. I want to help. I want to be there for the people i love. I want to not fear regret, i want to let go and do my best to let it be.



My Resolution!!!



1-Graduate with a distinction (or like a merit at least)

2-Produce a quality dissertation

3-Travel to at least 5 new countries this year

4-Read at least a book a week and lots and lots of papers (uni takes care of that!)

5-Eat healthy, drink 1.5 litres of water, 5 servings of fruit, salad and lose more weight. Work out times a week at least

6-Learn a new language

7-Play an instrument, learn new dances...Dance your heart out

8-Be financially accountable

9-Work with dedication in every job i'm in, apply for jobs and internships every week

10-Be there for your mother, sister and hesham.



This is not a promise to self, this is a dialogue of intention...a step to look out and see..see what might just happen? Maybe everything will turn around, we'll have to wait and see. And while waiting, all life will be happening!

Inspire and be inspired. Give. Give off more than you take. Care for nature, our biggest giver.

The cruelest irony

Goodbye...whatever was ever good about it anyway?

How come..

I thought that world is mine but it's not. I don't think i can handle it if it were. I don't even know from where or how to look at it, it looks good to me..but is it. Hmmm not really. But why? Shouldn't be? Should is very relative you see...and even if it should, who said it would be. Then why isn't it? Why isn't it??? Can you change that, can i change that, can we...? Or is it beyond us all? Did it go on it's own course of time?

i don't know..but i will look it up for you